I really love to blog during my busiest times aren't I? 3 finals down, 1 more to go.
Today I thought about friendships from school and other things that string along.
I haven't met a lot more people from grad school. Scott and Sharon are the two I talk to the most. I mostly see friends from my undergrad years (Anh, Như, Phil, James...). It's kinda funny how I only got to know my new grad friends a little more toward the end of the semester. Yesterday before Fixed Income class I talked to a classmate in whose name (Jason) I only found out a few minutes before our final exam. There was also Daniel who sat right behind me for the entire semester yet our first conversation took place less than two weeks ago. This evening on the school shuttle, I talked to Fei, a Chinese girl from Statistics class, for the first time. Until I told her I was Vietnamese she had probably always thought I was Chinese. One Chinese classmate, Samantha, told me that her friends and she had thought I was an ABC (American-Born Chinese) who could not speak the language. I told her I could not speak her language AND I was (am) Vietnamese, not Chinese. There is a large population of Chinese students in every single class of mine; I think most of them must have made the same assumption Samantha had.
Next semester I won't let that happen. Unless things take their own course, I would like to take some time to get to know a person. After the semester ends I might not see that friend again for a possibly very long time (like in the case of Jeppe, an exchange student), so I would not want our first conversation to take place during the last days of school. When I saw Jeppe getting off the bus today, I was both glad and sad. Glad because I could at least say a few words to him before he left, and sad because I might never see him again. I guess these feelings are common during the week of finals.
Even though Facebook and email and everything is there, I realize that the bond between human beings eventually calls for direct interaction, the face-to-face communications, rather than a phone call or a message. Maybe it's just me, but I feel that once my friends and I are no longer at the same physical place, something about the distance will slowly bring us apart. Something about the fact that we all have to move on with our lives wherever we are to establish new habits with new people. When we see each other again, it's not the same. I was so happy to see Carla again a few weeks ago, but somehow, I wish we were still back in Collins watching a movie, eating delivery food, talking about guys, and pretending to really worry about our next project/exam. I wish indeed for all of us in the Class of 2009 to come back to those wonderful four years. Fall 2005 - Spring 2009.
But we never will.
Since I will never be able to get back, I must keep moving forward now... let those memories forever stay in my heart for as long as I can still remember. Isn't this another semester that will be over in less than 24 hours? I knew I wrote last night that I wouldn't miss Fall 2009, but well, I think I am going to...
But why this sadness? I should be happy. I'm going home soon for the winter break. My Family, the city, and everything else must have changed again over this past year. I can't wait to adapt again to those changes. Having another life on the other side of the pool is probably one of the most remarkable experiences. Ever since I left home for the first time to go to the States, year after year, I have gradually realized that it is possible to separate yourself into different places, different states of mind, different ways of life. I am not sure if I am supposed to put the pieces together after this journey or just let them be. I am not sure if I can collect all the memories together because they happened at different places with different people. For now, I will just let them stay where they belong, and live with the fact that the person I am in Massachusetts is not exactly the same as the one in Sai Gon or elsewhere. How do I explain such a thing?
Let just say, during that long flight across the pond, a transformation happens. Perhaps our lives happen between airports. Perhaps people are addicted to traveling because they feel the need to leave parts of themselves in as many places as they can, so that when they recall those experiences, they feel a greater sense of belonging in this world. The downside of that is, because they have assigned so many parts of themselves in so many places, their current location might not be satisfying enough and they might constantly need an escape from wherever they are. I guess we all have to make sacrifices.
I do not want to judge yet whether it is worth it to never be fully satisfied with what I do where I am, to constantly want to also do something else being somewhere else. It is probably not even something I could be judgmental about. Perhaps it is just how life is supposed to be for now - until my perspectives change again.
Alrighty me. Better get some sleep then wake up early in the morning to go over more stuff for the last final exam of the semester. It's gonna be a crazy-busy Wednesday.
Just something else - Như wrote the first Vietnamese entry in her blog yesterday that she had written in English for exams the whole day, so she did not feel like using English any more. That triggered some thoughts in me. I usually don't really think about my language choice when I blog... I would sit down and start typing; whatever language seemed fit at that moment would just flow. Whenever I try to be conscious about this matter, i.e. forcing myself to write in English or in Vietnamese for a blog entry, I end up disliking everything written in that post. Hence, I stop pushing it. I love both languages too much to mess up my blog purely for the sake of balancing the proportion. So, if you prefer one language to another, please simply click on *EN or *VI (on top of the Labels section) to read entries in that language.
You see, not only does it take time to know other people, it takes time to know yourself too. If you see what works for you and what does not, it will save you a lot of unnecessary troubles :)
